Relationships/Dating III

In healthy relationships/dating I previously mentioned the importance of 1)Pursuing emotional health, 2)Getting Relationship needs met outside of dating and 3)Taking responsibility for your tendencies. Here are a couple more... Conflict is not all bad There are two general types of conflict: Moral and Immoral. Immoral = Deceit, lies, ½ truths, manipulations, Self-centeredness, Pride, Superiority, Anger, Envy, Coveting, Resentment, Bitterness, etc… Moral = Misunderstanding, Miscommunication, Lack of communication Lack of experience, False assumption, Jumping to conclusions, Lack of info, Different moral goals, Different expectations, Immaturity, etc… The question is, what kind of conflict are you experiencing? Welcome conflict that is moral or ‘good’. This kind of conflict presents an opportunity to grow, learn and be a better person. But be very cautious to continue with one you are experiencing immoral or ‘bad’ conflict with. Be authentic Be who you are at the very beginning of a new relationship. Communicate. Express from the first date. You don’t need to be overly ‘nice’ about how or what you feel. Dr's Henry Cloud and John Townsend in God Will Make a Way remind us, “If you are not yourself, the person you are with may begin to like someone they think is you..." also... "If they have a tendency to be controlling, if they know right upfront that you have opinions they might realize that 'controlling' you will not work." Of course you don’t want to come on too strong either but the point is – don’t fear what the other person thinks about you. Check out Proverbs 29:25(NLT) - Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but to trust the LORD means safety.

Be Healthy!

J

Relationships/Dating II

In healthy relationships/dating I previously mentioned the importance of 1)Pursuing emotional health and 2)Getting Relationship needs met outside of dating. It was so much fun, lets keep going… Take responsibility for your tendencies Look for patterns or habits that consistently cause you trouble in relationships and be willing to ‘own’ them. People who ‘own’ their problems are people who consistently have higher levels of self esteem. Not to be overly simplistic but... higher self esteem people view themselves as empowered. Lower self esteem people view themselves as victims. When you're empowered you take responisibility. When you're a victim you don't take responsibility. As happens periodically, our church received a phone call from someone recently looking for some financial help. The man on the other end of the phone told me he had been fired, his wife had left him, he was months behind on his rent and while we were talking C.P.S. was there investigating him. He told me he needed money and help fast. I told him about our process and how it doesn’t just happen over night. It often takes 7-10 days before we can do much of anything on a financial level. Immediately, he told me I was full of... well, ‘something’ and hung up on me. I thought to myself, hmmm, here’s a guy who needs to look for some patterns in his life. It seems like he may not be owning up to his tendencies! That might be an extreme example but the questions beg to be asked for all of us… · Are you able to take responsibility for your own shortcomings? · Why are you attracted to certain types of people? · What ‘draws’ you in? · What mistakes, patterns or tendencies have you made in the past? · What would those who know you the closest say about your dating habits or relationship habits? Discern and then avoid self-destructive habits. If you won’t, do you really think you’ll work on them later...? Do you really think that someone else will be able to fix them for you...? The time is now and the responsibility is yours. Be healthy! J

Relationships/Dating

Did you hear about the guy recently… I think it was here in Phoenix… who went on a “singles” site and met someone? He asked her out only to find out that she was his mom! Yeah, you really gotta’ do your homework on this stuff. Well, I’m finding so many people going in and out of relationships that I thought I might blog a little about it. While the angle is on dating I think most of these thoughts have principles that can be applied to any and all relationships. As always I’m not an expert in this area… but I did stay at a Holiday Inn recently… Pursue Emotional Health Healthy dating stems from healthy persons. Matt 6 tells us to seek first God’s kingdom and everything else will be added to us. The most important thing you can do is be healthy yourself before connecting with others. So, don’t worry about who or when or how you are going to meet someone. God will take care of that. Now, that doesn’t mean to do nothing though. You still must live your life and put yourself in positions to meet people and enjoy yourself. But hopefully in a ‘healthy’ way. Here’s one way of defining health in relationships: Serving. If you’re dating in order to find someone to serve the rest of your life then you’re on to something. If you’re dating just to find someone ‘hot’ or that makes you ‘feel’ good then you also on to something… a wrong something… Think about it… When we are healthy enough to want to serve then our relationships will be healthy which means in the end we will be served and taken care of as well. (Hey, don’t get mad at me. I didn’t invent this stuff I’m just relaying the kinds of things that Jesus taught two thousand years ago.) Get Relationship Needs Met Outside of Dating Relationships are tricky, in part, because we have so many expectations about how the other person is going to fulfill our needs. In the book, God Will Make a Way, Henry Cloud and John Townsend say it well when they say there is an old adage, “Never go grocery shopping while you are hungry.” It’s true for dating as well: Don’t date to ‘get a life’ rather date to ‘share your life’. If you already feel loved you will not be clingy and needy. Lloyd Ogilvie puts it another way, “We try to live so that he will love us rather than living because he has already loved us.” Think about that for a moment… its really profound… Living because we’re already loved, in general, happens when we get our approval from God and not from others. As AW Tozer said, “You’re perception of God is the most important thing about you.” Gaining a proper perspective of God… of one who is a loving father, of one who accepts you unconditionally, who is receptive to you, who is gracious and compassionate… will be the single biggest factor in getting your relationship needs met outside of dating. I’ll throw some more out next time. Be healthy! J

Thoughts on What I Value... What I Hope the Church will Value

(1) I value the Way of Jesus. The early believers were called followers of The Way. Not followers of the manual or creeds or belief systems. I believe the way of Jesus is a better way of living. · Forgiving is better than resentment and bitterness. · Giving is better than getting. (Although receiving from God is a very important concept to consider. If you can’t ‘get’ from God then you’re in trouble. Cuz He’s the ultimate giver.) · Putting others first frees me from the tyranny of self. · Giving money away is better than materialism which stupidly suggests that all I need is one more thing to make me happy. These things and many more are found on The Way. (2) I value belonging as much and maybe more than believing. This is good news if you’re not yet a believer. You don’t have to believe to belong. It’s not about believing in a list of things and then if you do you can belong to our community. It’s more like come belong to our community, hang out with us for a while… and while you’re here let’s learn together about The Way. (Oh, and you might have more to teach me than I have to teach you.) (3) I value real, tangible, practical actions that benefit adherents and non adherents alike. Many, many years ago Abraham was given a two-fold promise… he was going to be blessed and then that all nations would be blessed through him. Most churches that I’m aware of, including my own are much more excited about the first part of that promise than the second. There is no reason for anyone in the community to listen to us if they don’t see us doing. (4) I value people and believe they are our greatest resource… not the pastor, not the building, not the savings accounts, not the ministries… people. (4b) Having said that, I really value people who ‘get’ that church is about serving. (repeat after me, “It’s not about me. It’s not about now.) I cannot count the number of singles, couples and families that have ‘traded up’ and moved on from the church I was a part of to be a part of a church that met their needs in better ways. (And to be fair… also, the number of people who have ‘traded up’ to come to my church. Boy, were they in for a rude awakening!) (5) I value questions and discussion as much or more than answers. And yes, I do believe Jesus is The Answer… but not in a dogmatic kind of way that shuts down all dialogue. Think of it this way… answers are good but good answers usually lead us to more and better questions. Jesus is the best answer I know of but following The Way of Jesus always leads me to more and better questions!

(6) I value quitting while I'm ahead. God bless! J

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