Prayer Life

Uh, ok, so I’ve been following Jesus whole heartedly now for about 25 years. For about the last 20 I’ve been in full-time-church-pastoring-type positions. One would think at this point that I would be consumed by prayer and filled with spiritual fire pretty much 24/7. Hmmm… that’s not exactly the case. I have kinda expected that prayer would come easier as I got older (that’s partly true in the sense that I don’t put as much pressure on myself now as I used to and I’m a bit more patient) but generally I find prayer to be as tough or tougher than it ever has been. I don’t really feel a lot when I pray... which I find odd… And then when I do pray I find myself needing to turn off a lot of voices. It takes time to get these voices to die.

I read Henri Nouwen recently admit to his prayer life being full of “dryness and darkness”. Which helps me… I guess because… misery loves company? I don’t know. Do I really feel better just because someone else feels bad? (Especially a ‘spiritual giant’ like Henri Nouwen?) Well, it’s possible... I’m hoping it’s more like I feel a bit ‘normal’. Anyhow, Nouwen said, “The real questions are, ‘What are the dryness and darkness about? What do they draw me too…?’" Well, we know that Jesus, at the end of his life, felt abandoned by God and he cried out. His body broken, his mind shattered and his soul feeling no comfort. It was in this horrific moment of emptying himself where his blood watered the seed of something new. In Jesus’ own dark time where he felt nothing, something was actually happening.

I am not Jesus. My pain is not as dramatic nor ever will be so the point isn’t to compare but to note that during my own difficulty in praying… during the times when I don’t necessarily feel anything going on… maybe I’m identifying with him a bit? Maybe the things I don’t feel are actually signs of something deeper than that which touches my senses? The lack of not ‘feeling’ God may be that He’s too great to understand. Maybe this really difficult experience of praying and turning off voices… voices that are very self-absorbed and immature… of dying to my own need to feel something… maybe that’s a small way of me of me being broken along with Jesus.

If that’s the case the only thing I can say is, “Father, break me.”

Happy Fathers Day

(my dad, my son, shay, and myself in colorado)

Here's to my father who knew me, loved me and accepted me. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book, 'How People Grow' stated that, "Acceptance is the bridge connecting the gap between being known and loved." 1Corinthinians 15 says, "Accept one another just as Christ accepted you."

There maybe nothing more important for a father to give to his children than the gift of acceptance.

Cats are Cute but Kittens are Cuter

So I went to the John Mayer concert last night with my wife. He told us he gets quoted all the time in blogs and online journals. He didn’t have anything important that was ‘quoteworthy’ to say in between songs except for he did say, “cats are cute but kittens are cuter.” And I guess, I agree with that. Kittens are pretty cute but I don’t really like cats at all. I’m not sure why… I do like cheetahs though. That would be cool to have a cheetah as a pet. All I ever had for pets were small rodents. But a cheetah? That would get everyone’s attention. My kids haven’t had pets that were real exciting either… they’ve had gerbils, hamsters, hermit crabs and fish… there all dead. Our backyard is a veritable pet cemetery. You have to be careful where you play back there because of all the ‘memorial’ popsicle sticks sticking up out of the ground commemorating their lives. We’ve also got other stuff back there like the time my boy, Shay, planted some Tic-Tacs to see if they would grow. Good idea. Our backyard is also full of sharp, thorny things. I guess it’s cuz we live in a desert but I really don’t get why we have these plants in our yard. Every time one of the kids kicks, hits or throws a ball it hits a bush and goes flat. We buy a lot of new kickballs, soccerballs and basketballs cuz of our plants. And it’s not like there is a whole lot of room in our backyard either. It’s like playing kickball in a closet… full of thorns. Oh, and when it’s hot (like today at 109 degrees) it’s like an oven. So, now you see why my kids have issues… they have a hot, closet of a backyard with thorns and animal graves to play in!

So, apparantly like John Mayer, I don't have anything real 'quoteworthy' today either.

Jonathan

Colorado

(my wife and children in rocky mountain national park)

Some of my extended family met up together in Estes Park, Co this last week. Growing up, this is the place where my parents brought us each summer to hike and enjoy the beauty of the mountains. It never ceases to amaze me to observe Rocky Mountain National Park. Among other things it reminds me that in the midst of all my ‘hurriedness’ through life that there are organisms (trees, mountains, lakes, etc…) that have been around for hundreds and thousands of years before me and will continue to be there long after I’m gone. Hmmm… that should say something to me about the pace of my life.

One of my favorite moments was hiking (i.e. crawling, scraping, jumping) up the boulders beyond the alluvial fan, at the base of the lawn lake flood, pictured above. As a boy I had dreamed about what my family might be like and hiking up this area with them… it’s pretty amazing to live a dream out.

renovare,
Jonathan