"Everybody Thinks" is a useless phrase

The most common useless phrases all start with something like, "everyone thinks..." or "i know a lot of people who say..." or "a bunch of people are..."

In the church, or in the office, or the school, or within the political party, or or any other place you can imagine both physical and virtual these phrases are completely unhelpful and often toxic.

I can almost guarantee you that the person(s) using these phrases is wrong. They haven't taken the time to get a lot of feedback or specific input. They haven't asked important questions. They often don't even care about logic. They're being driven by emotion, responding to their small circle of friends and trying to sound knowledgeable by making absolute statements.

Don't fall for it. Don't lead or manage that way. Help your people move past the fear of what "everyone thinks" and get to the heart of the issue.

Motives

Do I come to God for selfish or loving reasons? Am I motivated by our simple relationship or by the reward that might come from the relationship? Would I serve Jesus if there was no heaven, no hope of eternity? Do I want Him to get me ‘out of a bind’ or to build long-term character in me?

Richard Foster in “Prayer, Finding the Hearts True Home” says, “We are a tangled mass of motives – altruistic and selfish, merciful and hateful, loving and bitter... But what I’ve come to see is that God is big enough to receive us with all our mixture… This is what grace means, and not only are we saved by it we live by it as well.”

So, I keep going to Him, in honesty, presenting all my motives both good and bad. I know He desires honesty more than anything else (Psalm 51). I keep trusting that He knows me better than I know myself and it’s best to bring everything to Him like a little child trusting in his father. My own children have been known to come to me with ridiculous requests. Sometimes the self-centeredness apparent in the requests bothers me but then I think I would be even more bothered if they didn’t come to me at all. I’m their father. That’s what I’m there for. I can only imagine that this is the way it is with my Heavenly Father.

Growing in the midst of Distractions

The NT calls me to "remain in Christ" and to “pray continually without ceasing.” In the light of our fast-paced society this seems impossible. There are so many distractions, and responsibilities not to mention the issues going inside my own head. Henri Nouwen once said that his mind was like a banana tree full of monkeys. I can relate. So, I dream about what it would be like to ‘get away’ or think about having more hours in the day, or more gadgets to save me time.

I could be a monk but that doesn’t seem to be practical. No doubt I look good in brown but I’m married, have kids and responsibilities. (One of my favorite monks was a guy named, Simeon the Stylite. Simeon fled society and entered the monastery. After a few years he decided that even the busy monastery interrupted his communion with God so he built a little hut and chained himself to a pole. But people kept coming by asking him to pray for them so he moved into a cave, then atop an old pillar about 10 feet high. Amazingly he found that people still stopped by, yelling, asking him for advice or for prayers. Finally he built a 60-foot pillar where apparently he lived for the remainder of his life. Simeon the Stylite was serious about removing himself from all distractions!)

While I truly appreciate the goal of one heading off to the monastery and shedding all worldly attachments it's not something I'll be able to do. My goal has got be building "little monastery's" right inside my own life. Places I can briefly go to get away. Times I set aside devoted only to God. Practices that often remind me of Him.

In many ways cultivating these habits in the midst of everyday life is more difficult than retreating into the mountains. But... difficult only in the sense that I tend to quantify difficulties, measuring them against each other, against what others are doing and getting caught up in thinking how spiritual I am to make them all a part of my routine. On the other hand, the picture Jesus painted - "I am the vine, you are the branches...", "Remain in me and I'll remain in you..." - is much less stressful. I've got a lemon tree in my backyard. I've never once heard it groan or strain in order to produce lemons. It just does. This is my goal in the middle of distraction... to remain in Him... to grow in Him... to just be....

(BTW - This is different than being like Him. Being like Him is impossibly hard. The NT asks me to be in Him. That is radically different than being like Him.)

So, I'm learning what it means to "remain in Him" at all times and to grow in spite of all the chaos around me.

Parents and Youth Sports

My wife and I have three children, ages 13, 11 and 7. We’ve had them in all kinds of sports just like many of you reading this post. We’ve coached, driven cross town/state/country, paid, prayed, fretted, worried, yelled from the sidelines, (OK, I yelled once or twice at home as well), brought snacks, bought equipment, lost equipment, bought more equipment, dealt with refs, other coaches, other parents, dealt with clubs and leagues and schedules that don’t come out til last minute, purchased lots of trophies (and hey, what’s up with all the trophies anyhow? When I was a kid you were lucky to get a trophy if you actually won something. Now we give trophies out for showing up to the pizza party.)

Sorry, got side-tracked there for a moment...

The point is we’ve been there just like you. Through the ups and the downs, highs and lows. Let me share some principles that are true regardless of whether your child is good and plays all the time or not. These principles revolve around time, identity, growth, us and again, time.

1, TIME – My children do not need to be pressured to excel at a young age, regardless of what society says. (Jordan Sparks, Am Idol winner at 17, Freddy Adu professional soccer player at 14, Doogie Howser, wait that was just a tv show, but speaking of tv shows how many child actors experience problems? Yeah, I think a lot of them.) Though I want her to do her best, if my girl is not showing a great aptitude for a particular sport it’s OK. She might later as she matures or as she gets more “reps”… then again, she might not... It’s my job to help her discover what she’s good at and many times that takes several years and lots of experimenting.

2, IDENTITY – My identity is not based on my child’s performance. Of course I want him to do well and of course, I feel good when he excels. But it’s not about me. I’m the adult. I’m going find a way to feel good about myself that doesn’t factor in how many goals, home runs or touchdowns my boy made or missed.

3, GROWTH – We grow more in difficult times than in good times. That’s just the way it is. It’s how life works because difficult times present more opportunities. In this case the opportunity to let my boy know that though we live in a performance based society my love for him doesn’t operate that way. A parent should really wrestle with what that last sentence means.

4, US - OK, my first priority is my child. Granted. But, I have to open my eyes. Life is never about my own small little group... it’s never just about you and me… it’s always about “us”. Who is the “us” that I need to be aware of? Well, it might be another child, another family or (big breath) someone on the other team! They’re all a part of the “us”. Not only is looking out for others a better way of living it helps my child as well which again, is my first priority. My priority watches me. Does he see me thanking or arguing with the coach? Does she hear me complaining about the ref or showing respect? Does he watch me berate or congratulate other teams? I know, those hit way too close to home.

5, AND BACK TO TIME – I’m not going to put off my responsibility as a parent onto the coach (or teacher, or youth pastor, etc…). I’ve got to spend time with my child. I’ll never forget one year when a little guy who I really liked came up to me after practice. He stood there for a moment with me watching my boy throw the ball. He looked at me for a minute and said, “Do you and Evan, like, play catch everyday?” I said, “Well not everyday but usually a couple times a week.” Then I said, “Don’t you play catch with your dad?” He said, “No. We don’t have time.”

If life is a bank then time is the currency.

Parenting is your most important and challenging assignment in life. Use sports as a way to be a better parent, to get closer to your child and to be supportive. Hey, if they get great at it in the meantime that’s even better but I’m not sure that should be your goal. OK, I have to go. I got a soccer practice to get to.

possible helpful link - youth sports psychology blog

I might regret saying this but if you know me from the ball field, keep me honest about what I just wrote!